Logo Daze

Here's a random view of a corporate logo

Flank Speed

Flank Speed

Yes... They still don't know what is wrong. Four months of seeking: No answers, except for the government telling me nothing is wrong.

Today is a big day. I find out if my wife loves me or someone else. I find out if the bug in the ear is more important than my life.

It's a small matter. I know what will happen.

Portholes

 

Portholes

 

This has been gnawing at me for a while, though I could not grasp it. A note here,just a hint of rythym there, a feeling of a legato low end guiding the chorus, a whispered fragment of lyric, constant references in dreams I can't remember. Finally it came to me in a burst. Not on a Sunday Morning, but on a Saturday morning...

 

She used to say to me
not a word, not a word.

 

Please, people TALK to the people you love. They can noy hear you if you do not speak. Please.

 

 

"Voices"

'Love, just don't stare'
He used to say to me
every Sunday morning
The spider in the window
The angel in the pool
The old man takes the poison
Now the widow makes the rules

'So speak, I'm right here'
She used to say to me
not a word, not a word
Judas on the ceiling
the Devil in my bed
I guess Easter's never coming
So I'll just wait inside my head

Like a scream but sort of silent
living off my nightmares

Voices repeating me
'Feeling threatened?
We reflect your hopes and fears.'
Voices discussing me
'Others steal your thoughts
they're not confined
within your mind.'

Thought disorder
Dream control
Now they read my mind on the radio
But where was the Garden of Eden?

I feel elated
I feel depressed
Sex is death, Death is sex
Says it right here on my Crucifix

Like a scream but sort of silent
living off my nightmares

Voices protecting me
'Good behavior
brings the Savior
to his knees.'
Voices rejecting me
'Others steal your thoughts
they're not confined
to your own mind.'

[Dialogue by rap artist Prix-mo reading from the book "Cultural Revolution".]
"I don't wanna be here, 'cause of my
suffering, 'cause of my illness.
Only love is worth having, only
love is what matters, loving every
people on equal terms. "
"You've got to know who you're
dealin' with because, like a stranger,
a-heh, just might come in through
here with a gun... and then, what
would you do? (Heh.)"
"Everything is immaterial..."
"'n' you know that reality is immaterial."
"This is not reality..."

I'm kneeling on the floor
staring at the wall
like the spider in the window
I wish that I could speak
Is there fantasy in refuge?
God in politicians?
Should I turn on my religion?
These demons in my head tell me to

I'm lying here in bed
Swear my skin is inside out
Just another Sunday morning

Seen my diary on the newsstand
Seems we've lost the truth to quicksand
It's a shame no one is praying
'Cause these voices in my head
keep saying...

'Love, just don't stare.'
'Reveal the Word when you're
supposed to'
Withdrawn and introverted
Infectiously perverted
'Being laughed at and confused
keeps us pleasantly amused
enough to stay.'

Maybe I'm just Cassandra fleeting
Twentieth century Icon bleeding
Willing to risk Salvation
to escape from isolation

I'm witness to redemption
heard you speak but never listened
Can you rid me of my secrets?
Deliver us from Darkness?

Voices repeating me
'Feeling threatened?
We reflect your hopes and fears.'
Voices discussing me
Don't expect your own Messiah
This neverworld which you desire
is only in your mind.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cvEOsdH8T_8





Rime and Rhyme

 

Of Rime and Rhyme

 

I thought the cold suited me. For a while the shelling seemed to subside. The pain lessened..And then it got very cold.

My left arm is essentially useless now. I tried to play my bass tonight... I had to literally cry. I was a damn good bass player once. I was.

 

I want to set goals... I can't really see a reason to try and steer any course. I feel as if I am locked at the dock and can not cast away for a new adventure just now...

 

Even the smallest of goals seems to be denied to me. Such as: I would like to have a phone, so I could call contacts, so I could get some work, so I could begin heading toward a decent living again,so I could get a car, so I could build a company, so I could employ the best, so I could put out great product, so I could make some money and diversify the company, so I could sell the company and retire in luxury...

 

But I can't get a phone.

 

In any event..I see the Dr again on the 19th. That's 75 miles away...In the Big City. Call it Mt Pilot.

Last blood tests say I'm healthy as an ox in heat. Than why is my arm not working? Why do my screams of pain keep the whole household up at night?  Why does a thing that looks like a chestburster push from my stomach at night?

 

Why can I not hold the one I love?

 

For what it's worth: I guess I have abandonment issues.

 

In the meantime here is a random picture of a pillow.

 



Smooth and Quiet

 

 

Too Smooth, Too Quiet

 

I have had to have blood drawn twice this week. They said the first time they didn't get it to the lab in time. I know better. The joke I made to Patty the tech about her being a vampire for sucking my blood out was closer to the mark than I imagined. Problem is, by the time they called me to come back in I had already hit some hooch. Not enough to impair me, but I'm sure it will show up in my vials. IF they make it to the lab.

 

It is very cold tonight, crystal clear and still. I can hear the trucks rolling on the interstate which is a few miles from here. Do the drivers even notice the exit they are roaring past? Do they ever even look and think that there are people, lifes, hopes, dreams, just a few hundred meters away from them? Do they just hammer down and stick with the white line fever? Do you? When you pass a group of houses on the I40, do you wonder about the people inside? Do you think they once rode tricycles and built model airplanes and wanted to be ballerinas?

 

You should.

 

 

It is clear, and for a SoCal boy, late of Arizona, VERY cold. The stars blaze with an intensity born of the far north, and the moon gloats as it casts mystic shadows through the woods. The smallest of animals move and sound like bears smashing through plate glass...It is only the cold that carries the sound. The trees did not have a chance for the leaves to change colors and tonight they say will be the first hard frost. Something about it tugs at a memory that eludes me, trying to either beckon or warn me.

 

 I only want of one thing right now: To cuddle up with my wife and hold her and drift off to sleep with her head on my chest and my arm around her shoulder.

 

But I ask too much.

 

In the meantime, here's a random picture of Winston Churchill:

 



Taking on Coal

 

 

Refuel

 

In strange times one may act strangely. Perhaps set a course that others deem unwise. There is more than just the physical pain...at the time the pain was the most...well, there are other types of pain.

 

It's just pain. It goes away. So my mentor taught me. This pain does not go away.

 

And me and my Dreadnaught know this.

 

Tomorrow will seal the deal on the endless bombardment. I will get a reach around from the Dr again (Without even a kiss), and we will know it is time to weigh anchor and move on. I see the Dr. and she will tell me to get more tests.  Blood, biopsy, X-rays, scratch tests, you all know the drill. And yes, they do use drills still. And they will say again, "Your body has massive intrusions, strange doohickies, stuff we have never seen. And we DO NOT KNOW WHAT IT IS."

 

 July 18th 2006 this all started. I remember the exact date, it's in the logs.

 

There are no ports open to me, certainly no safe harbor, nothing but the endless churning of the screws.

 

So, set a course... just...

 

 

In the meantime, here is a random picture of a cupcake.

 



All Oilers to Bunkers

 

 

All Oilers to Bunkers

 

 

Tomorrow is another grand trip across the waters to the hospital and government offices.

WHEEEEE!

That's ok. We usually stop at this little place in Newburg called "Cooking from Scratch" Great food, incredible staff...AND, AND, WAIT FOR IT.... You can smoke inside. Yes dear readers they actually have a SMOKING section!!!! I have to quit soon, but for now that is one of the few indulgences I still have.

 

 

So the government will want blood tests and a true diagnosis. They don't like to hear "We don't know." It doesn't fit in a convenient file.

 

 

Heard from some great people from far and wide today. And someone I miss very, very much. I now have a new thing in my bucket list: Someone I want to see at least one more time.

 

In the meantime, here is a random picture of a serial killer...