Flank Speed

Flank Speed

Yes... They still don't know what is wrong. Four months of seeking: No answers, except for the government telling me nothing is wrong.

Today is a big day. I find out if my wife loves me or someone else. I find out if the bug in the ear is more important than my life.

It's a small matter. I know what will happen.

Portholes

 

Portholes

 

This has been gnawing at me for a while, though I could not grasp it. A note here,just a hint of rythym there, a feeling of a legato low end guiding the chorus, a whispered fragment of lyric, constant references in dreams I can't remember. Finally it came to me in a burst. Not on a Sunday Morning, but on a Saturday morning...

 

She used to say to me
not a word, not a word.

 

Please, people TALK to the people you love. They can noy hear you if you do not speak. Please.

 

 

"Voices"

'Love, just don't stare'
He used to say to me
every Sunday morning
The spider in the window
The angel in the pool
The old man takes the poison
Now the widow makes the rules

'So speak, I'm right here'
She used to say to me
not a word, not a word
Judas on the ceiling
the Devil in my bed
I guess Easter's never coming
So I'll just wait inside my head

Like a scream but sort of silent
living off my nightmares

Voices repeating me
'Feeling threatened?
We reflect your hopes and fears.'
Voices discussing me
'Others steal your thoughts
they're not confined
within your mind.'

Thought disorder
Dream control
Now they read my mind on the radio
But where was the Garden of Eden?

I feel elated
I feel depressed
Sex is death, Death is sex
Says it right here on my Crucifix

Like a scream but sort of silent
living off my nightmares

Voices protecting me
'Good behavior
brings the Savior
to his knees.'
Voices rejecting me
'Others steal your thoughts
they're not confined
to your own mind.'

[Dialogue by rap artist Prix-mo reading from the book "Cultural Revolution".]
"I don't wanna be here, 'cause of my
suffering, 'cause of my illness.
Only love is worth having, only
love is what matters, loving every
people on equal terms. "
"You've got to know who you're
dealin' with because, like a stranger,
a-heh, just might come in through
here with a gun... and then, what
would you do? (Heh.)"
"Everything is immaterial..."
"'n' you know that reality is immaterial."
"This is not reality..."

I'm kneeling on the floor
staring at the wall
like the spider in the window
I wish that I could speak
Is there fantasy in refuge?
God in politicians?
Should I turn on my religion?
These demons in my head tell me to

I'm lying here in bed
Swear my skin is inside out
Just another Sunday morning

Seen my diary on the newsstand
Seems we've lost the truth to quicksand
It's a shame no one is praying
'Cause these voices in my head
keep saying...

'Love, just don't stare.'
'Reveal the Word when you're
supposed to'
Withdrawn and introverted
Infectiously perverted
'Being laughed at and confused
keeps us pleasantly amused
enough to stay.'

Maybe I'm just Cassandra fleeting
Twentieth century Icon bleeding
Willing to risk Salvation
to escape from isolation

I'm witness to redemption
heard you speak but never listened
Can you rid me of my secrets?
Deliver us from Darkness?

Voices repeating me
'Feeling threatened?
We reflect your hopes and fears.'
Voices discussing me
Don't expect your own Messiah
This neverworld which you desire
is only in your mind.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cvEOsdH8T_8





Rime and Rhyme

 

Of Rime and Rhyme

 

I thought the cold suited me. For a while the shelling seemed to subside. The pain lessened..And then it got very cold.

My left arm is essentially useless now. I tried to play my bass tonight... I had to literally cry. I was a damn good bass player once. I was.

 

I want to set goals... I can't really see a reason to try and steer any course. I feel as if I am locked at the dock and can not cast away for a new adventure just now...

 

Even the smallest of goals seems to be denied to me. Such as: I would like to have a phone, so I could call contacts, so I could get some work, so I could begin heading toward a decent living again,so I could get a car, so I could build a company, so I could employ the best, so I could put out great product, so I could make some money and diversify the company, so I could sell the company and retire in luxury...

 

But I can't get a phone.

 

In any event..I see the Dr again on the 19th. That's 75 miles away...In the Big City. Call it Mt Pilot.

Last blood tests say I'm healthy as an ox in heat. Than why is my arm not working? Why do my screams of pain keep the whole household up at night?  Why does a thing that looks like a chestburster push from my stomach at night?

 

Why can I not hold the one I love?

 

For what it's worth: I guess I have abandonment issues.

 

In the meantime here is a random picture of a pillow.

 



Smooth and Quiet

 

 

Too Smooth, Too Quiet

 

I have had to have blood drawn twice this week. They said the first time they didn't get it to the lab in time. I know better. The joke I made to Patty the tech about her being a vampire for sucking my blood out was closer to the mark than I imagined. Problem is, by the time they called me to come back in I had already hit some hooch. Not enough to impair me, but I'm sure it will show up in my vials. IF they make it to the lab.

 

It is very cold tonight, crystal clear and still. I can hear the trucks rolling on the interstate which is a few miles from here. Do the drivers even notice the exit they are roaring past? Do they ever even look and think that there are people, lifes, hopes, dreams, just a few hundred meters away from them? Do they just hammer down and stick with the white line fever? Do you? When you pass a group of houses on the I40, do you wonder about the people inside? Do you think they once rode tricycles and built model airplanes and wanted to be ballerinas?

 

You should.

 

 

It is clear, and for a SoCal boy, late of Arizona, VERY cold. The stars blaze with an intensity born of the far north, and the moon gloats as it casts mystic shadows through the woods. The smallest of animals move and sound like bears smashing through plate glass...It is only the cold that carries the sound. The trees did not have a chance for the leaves to change colors and tonight they say will be the first hard frost. Something about it tugs at a memory that eludes me, trying to either beckon or warn me.

 

 I only want of one thing right now: To cuddle up with my wife and hold her and drift off to sleep with her head on my chest and my arm around her shoulder.

 

But I ask too much.

 

In the meantime, here's a random picture of Winston Churchill:

 



Taking on Coal

 

 

Refuel

 

In strange times one may act strangely. Perhaps set a course that others deem unwise. There is more than just the physical pain...at the time the pain was the most...well, there are other types of pain.

 

It's just pain. It goes away. So my mentor taught me. This pain does not go away.

 

And me and my Dreadnaught know this.

 

Tomorrow will seal the deal on the endless bombardment. I will get a reach around from the Dr again (Without even a kiss), and we will know it is time to weigh anchor and move on. I see the Dr. and she will tell me to get more tests.  Blood, biopsy, X-rays, scratch tests, you all know the drill. And yes, they do use drills still. And they will say again, "Your body has massive intrusions, strange doohickies, stuff we have never seen. And we DO NOT KNOW WHAT IT IS."

 

 July 18th 2006 this all started. I remember the exact date, it's in the logs.

 

There are no ports open to me, certainly no safe harbor, nothing but the endless churning of the screws.

 

So, set a course... just...

 

 

In the meantime, here is a random picture of a cupcake.

 



All Oilers to Bunkers

 

 

All Oilers to Bunkers

 

 

Tomorrow is another grand trip across the waters to the hospital and government offices.

WHEEEEE!

That's ok. We usually stop at this little place in Newburg called "Cooking from Scratch" Great food, incredible staff...AND, AND, WAIT FOR IT.... You can smoke inside. Yes dear readers they actually have a SMOKING section!!!! I have to quit soon, but for now that is one of the few indulgences I still have.

 

 

So the government will want blood tests and a true diagnosis. They don't like to hear "We don't know." It doesn't fit in a convenient file.

 

 

Heard from some great people from far and wide today. And someone I miss very, very much. I now have a new thing in my bucket list: Someone I want to see at least one more time.

 

In the meantime, here is a random picture of a serial killer...

 



Ooops! I forgot.

Sorry, my mind was elswhere. Inthe meantime here is a random picture of a gallon of paint.

C-Ya in a week or so.

Becalmed, Again

 

 

Becalmed, again

 

 

Went to the Dr. The doc didn't get the sonogram report so we drove the twenty miles to get the report from the hospital where I had the procedure done.

 

 

As an aside, I could reduce the common persons health care costs if the medicine industry just discovered this whacky new thing called a telephone. Or even more amazing E-MAIL... I know, e-mail is too cutting edge right now; but someday...

 

 

The people at the Hospital were fine folks. Helpful and very fast. (That's not sarcasm, BTW...They really were fun)

 

 

So I looked at the report, sighed my way through heaps of latin and took it back to the Dr. That sonogram was most helpful. I had the Dr. completely translate it into American- English for me so I knew exactly what it said. Turns out I already knew exactly what it said:

 

"We haven't got a clue, Mr. Dreadnaught owner." They ruled out a few things, they THINK. But by golly if they don't want me to take another battery of blood tests and sonograms.

 

Oh, and of course it's spreading. But not to worry, it's just sending out it's own flotillas of Destroyers now.



Steering Gear Locked

 

 

Steering Gear is Locked

 

 

Went and saw the tech to get the Ultrasound today. Nice woman...Thank you Betty. But the next time you fondle my hooters like that you better kiss me first. AND I expect a Happy Ending.

 

 

Okay, onward.

 

As a technician Betty was not allowed to tell me her opinion on what she was seeing on the screen even though she knows much better than an MD what she was looking at.

 

But she did say some things that caught my attention:

 

"I have never taken this many pictures."

"That's nasty."

And my fave: "Wow! That looks like a spider doesn't it?"

 

I will hear in a few days what my dreadnaught has been doing in the North. Now, of course, I have to wait and see the DR to tell me what the F*&K that little ship is doing down south...

 

In the meantime here is a random picture of a football:

 

 



 

 

All Hands, Battlestations

 

 

First off, as much as I like my Wacom tablet for sketching: The mouse sucks. It's just awful. How can something with no moving parts go from great to totally FU&*ed up?

 

Now, then. My Little Dreadnaught, under cover of darkness, sailed for very different shores tis week. While I was all caught up in the right pectoral having been shelled to position that rascally little ship plowed right down to my taint and dropped a huge mine that quite frankly doesn't belong there.

 

I see a tech on Tuesday who will ultra sound, sona-gram, whatever, my lovely growths in my chest, but I have to wait for the 6th to see a doctor to have her order more tests on a brand spanking new walnut sized thingy in my groin. I like having my nether egions fondled as much as the next guy, but usually I want a happy ending...I don't see one coming in this situation. (Pun intended).

 

 

Have fun, do evil randomly, 'cause that's where the fun comes from and remember to always be armed.

 

In the meantime, here's a random picture of a blimp:

 

 



Battle Turn

 

 

THE BATTLE TURN

 

Well I saw the doctor a few days ago. In truth I've been kinda depressed and frustrated. Medical science and technology has advanced soooo much in the last few years. The Dr. was able to tell me in no uncertain terms, "I don't know what's wrong with you."

Succinct and so revealing.

 

She did order tests...Nothing different than last time, or the thirty times before that, where all of the DRs and specialists said "We don't know what's wrong with you."

 

Meanwhile my dreadnaughts' shelling of my right breast has paid off in spades! It hurts as bad as the left one does, and holy high glory it has developed a lump the size of a pencil eraser in only a week and a half! Give the crew some extra rum!

 

I can barely type these days. Have you ever tried to type with just your right hand?

I wish I had someone...But I wax morose.

 

Meanwhile My Little Dreadnought steams on. It was happy to let me know of the massive hernia (or whatever it is) in the middle of my belly, surely a product of The Yack.

 

In other news: I have a huge bag of the BEST pepperoni EVAH! And Pepper Jack cheese that aint kidding around. Yummo.

In the meantime enjoy this random picture of a kitteh.

 



Approching the Torpedo Nets

Torpedo Nets

 

 

My Little Dreadnaught has done what it can to my right pectoral for now and I have to admit I do not know where it sails to next. Aside from that, a lump the size of a $5.00 Subway footlong has now appeared in my gut. And I kid you not, it happenned while I was watching an ALIEN movie. How bad ass is that?

 

Tomorrow I see another sawbones. When you live in constant pain and have many Drs say they can't find anything except that I should have been dead three months ago... It gets boring. Maybe I will get a lollipop.

 

There is a strange roar to the silence I hear lately. I suppose I hear the winds of Limbo.

 

In the meantime, enjoy this random picture of a defense monitor...

 



Serpents

SERPENTS

 

 

In preperation for my visit to the barber...I mean doctor, this weekend I had an X-Ray of my chest done. It could have been worse...It could have been Hector returned.

In the meantime the constant shelling on my right pectoral from My Li'l Dreadnaught continues. It's using the same battle plan as it did with the left side... Just spit icy blue pain and hide when the retaliation comes.  Well. We'll see what happens.

 



Shells Far and Wide

 

 

Shells Far and Wide, No Hits

 

 

 

Whilst I steam in circles with a damaged rudder, the world seems to move implacably onward past me. So many are so blessed with new adventures, friends, music, looking at new houses or just...someone. This gives me hope.

 

 

The Dreadnaught is only mild today. Somehow it not just saps strength, but at some times even will. I have so much I want to do but for some reason, the obstacles I always viewed as ladders I am actually treating as obstacles. This has to have something to do with the metal in the ground or something, so I've been told.

 

Well, let's see what the quack I see next week says. Kitteh and dogs are getting on...OK.

 

In the meantime my Little Dreadnought sets it's own course, having sailed through the shoulder into my left arm (I mostly type with just my right hand now), and made a course down my side and up my neck to my jaw, I was somewhat astonished to find upon waking on Thursday that it had laid anchor in my right pectoral. It is a crazy chart it follows.

 

Thanks to all who have asked over my well being.

 

 

LOWER SEAS, NO SHOALS IN SIGHT

 

9/10/2012

 

The pain was much subsided today. Was able to play a bit with my kitteh. We move to see about this with the medical professionals East of I-5. I'll probaly get leeches and mule urine, but if it works: So be it.

 

The last specialist I saw said they would probably name this after me as they can't identify it. Hopefully the masters of cut, burn, and poison, have a better solution out this way.

 

I am comfortable with my lot and look at most everything as comedy. So shall I ever.

The launch of a great and terrible warship

NOT THE BEGINNING, JUST A BEGINNING.

As promised, I am going to blog the journey that I, my cat Two Face, and my little dreadnought are pursuing. I can not say we are starting our voyage for we have all been travelling together for several months. It is only now that I put the message in the bottle and send it off to, hopefully, higher tides and tight winds.

We will start with a post I made to facebook this morning...It is, after all, as good a place to start as any.

9/9/2012

Yesterday was ok. The pain was subdued and an Injun gave me comic relief. Unfortunately my Little Dreadnaught has finally gone above my jaw into my cheek bone. And it has made it's way to the underside of my arm as well as the top (hard to explain). My left ear feels like I just spent ten minutes with Mike Tyson.
It is a strange pain: Not sharp like a needle. Not a dull ache like a three day old sprain. It's more like a constant bone being broken, with no beat to it, no seperation or pulse...Just constant. And I can already tell today will suck. It is rare that my Little Dreadnaught wakes me up. But all guns are blazing this morning. Laugh and deride people that drink all you want. It is the only thing that keeps the pain low enough that I do not scream.
Ohhh.. Boo Hoo. Hey, I aint alone. And this aint about wanting pity or whatever

This will be straight up explanation of what happens when a ... new friend comes to live with you.
And Two Face is being a geek. She spends all night trying to get out and when I put the dogs aside and open the door she goes to sleep on a cardboard box...in my room. Dork.